ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
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The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”