What if death gives you lemons?
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
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I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Me: I made a cake!
Me: It’s chocolate.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.