Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
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I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Chemical wingman
My flabber has been gasted.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.