Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

Nomnomnomnom

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

Wolves should really raise more people.

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂