#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
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[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.