ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
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If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”