*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
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I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Oh my God.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that