Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
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My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I’ve been learning to cook.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Day 2 of my diet
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.