Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
You Might Also Like
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My life in a nutshell
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
What a website
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.