And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
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I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*