… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
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Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I need a headline like this
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”