and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
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All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.