And bowling should be called pinball
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“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.