And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
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My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*