And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
You Might Also Like
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
men are simple creatures
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it