“and how does that make you feel?”
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My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
March 16
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London