And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
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Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.