“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
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Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.