@sixfootcandy

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

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@whatmaddness

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

@CVTBaby

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

@amydillon

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

@primawesome

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

@imence2

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

@ObKeeng

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

@BobTheSuit

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

@dmc1138

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”