And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.