And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
You Might Also Like
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Happy Friday
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Something Saturday.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.