“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
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My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
i choose….tongue
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
When your best mate counts as a desk too
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂