And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
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The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
saw this in a dream
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.