And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
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If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Word!
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I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]