And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
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*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
😆this is so true
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?