And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
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The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.