“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
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They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots