and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
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Me trying to “trust the process”
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.