“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
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“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Hello Twits.