And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
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[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I will never stop laughing at this
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex