And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
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How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
is it earth