“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
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[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
*pronounces injury like lingerie*