And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
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My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
They’re stuck in your pants?
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?