And that about sums it up.
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mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Only short people can save us
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
this is uni
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.