And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
You Might Also Like
Science memes
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING