@BonaFideIntent

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

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@rebrafsim

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

@slimmy_shady

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

@juliussharpe

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

@KimmyMonte

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

@Marcmywords2

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

@UNDEADTRESOR

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

@GrantTanaka

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

@kwkorpi

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

@iwearaonesie

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work