And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
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me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My safe word is Worcestershire
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.