and that’s why I’m fat🤭
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My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody