“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
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I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
her: i’m a cat person
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.