“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
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Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.