And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
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local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Baller is short for ballerina
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Haha good job!!
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants