@dreamthievin Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
@UncleDuke1969 And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
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@dreamthievin 
@3_livi I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
@jackgrah Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
@simoncholland 2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
@TheToddWilliams [heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
@Shariv67 Moms. The original autocorrect.
@HaliPhacks Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
@BlindChow #NeverForget
@bridger_w I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
@Bob_Janke Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.