@UncleDuke1969

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

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@dreamthievin

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

@3_livi

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

@jackgrah

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

@simoncholland

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

@TheToddWilliams

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

@HaliPhacks

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

@bridger_w

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

@Bob_Janke

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.