And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again