Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.
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I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.