@UncleDuke1969

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

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@EliTerry

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

@NotthatAdamWest

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

@Theropologist

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

@Paxochka

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

@badbanana

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

@TheTweetOfGod

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

@ReeseButCallMeV

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

@StruggleDisplay

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

@champagngetaway

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

@fatherofcomedy

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.