“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
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I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
me when the borders lift
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
not seeing the problem
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.