And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up. - @JohnLyonTweets

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

thanks auntie mary

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

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