And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

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My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*


Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.


Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.


The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.


If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors


KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait


Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!


Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.


I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes