@VerbsRProudest My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
@JohnLyonTweets And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
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@VerbsRProudest 
@Shenanigans_luv Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
@Dawn_M_ Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
@BadRadger Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
@batkaren The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
@ericsshadow If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
@Home_Halfway KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
@OhNoSheTwitnt Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
@NrouteHQ Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
@UnIxphysco I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes