And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
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Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?