and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
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“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
me irl
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can