“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
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Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Real House Wines.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex