And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
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4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.