And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
You Might Also Like
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.