And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
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[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
That time Alicia messaged me