And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
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Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back