And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
You Might Also Like
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Dietest Coke
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.