And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
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DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
never ask a starfish for directions
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report